Counselling for relationship difficulties

Is jealousy or mistrust causing you to have relationship difficulties? Are you always walking away from relationships, to find something better? Do you deal with hurt feelings by discarding the one you love? Are you finding you can never be your ‘self’ in relationships, preferring to be alone? Do you sacrifice yourself for love, but end up feeling unloved? Do you wonder why you are always alone? Many embark on counselling for relationship difficulties when they notice these behaviours taking over their relationships.

Difficult relationship patterns remain out of our awareness

Difficulties in relationships stem from earlier attachment behaviour and re-occur in the adult relationship. Our earliest inner experiences of relationships form the template of how we see relationships, of whether we trust our partner to be available for us or not. Many of these relationship patterns remain unconscious, until they repeat themselves over again. Many avoiding conflict, have affairs, withhold intimacy or have anger management issues. Relationship counselling can uncover these patterns so they no longer act out. Here are some common relationship difficulties:

Fear of abandonment, feeling insecure and jealous. The never ending search for love.

Insecurely attached partners lack the belief that partners will be there for them. Feeling rejected or unworthy, they seek to be good enough in a relationship, but are fearful of being unlovable.  They are paranoid that partners will reject them, so they are constantly looking for signs of abandonment and trying to avoid it. They often feel worthless, so they seek re-assurance of love. Sometimes they sacrifice themselves, to feel loved, but end up bitter and resentful when their needs are not met. Other times they put up with abusive treatment, to avoid abandonment feelings (triggering feeling worthless). Sometimes they look into things that might not be there, to avoid feelings of abandonment. They can react to perceived signs of rejection, being angry or accusatory. Sometimes the clinging behaviours push their partner further away, perpetuating the feeling of abandonment, ending relationships. Intense feelings of abandonment can cause them to act out, becoming clingy, suicidal, anxious or hostile. Melbourne’s relationship counselling services can deal with ways to manage these difficulties, by working through these relationship patterns, so they do not play out.

Individuals who avoid expressing love or affection, causing their partner to feel rejected.

Avoidant attached partners have pushed down the feeling of being ignored, they have learned to shut down their attachment needs and not need others to be there for them. It was safer for them to not need anyone. Therefore, as adults their attachment system remains shut down. They distance their attachment needs away from their partner, by acting as if they do not need their partner. At Counselling Melbourne, these individuals will crave connection, but do not  show their feelings or express them, so their partner feels unloved or pushed away. They do not know how to express their feelings, so they get close by doing acts of kindness or making themselves helpful or resourceful. It’s too scary for them to open up their feelings and risk being ignored for their needs. Hence, they do not respond to the attachment needs of their partner, when they request closeness, causing relationships to end because of these difficulties.

Individuals who avoid facing issues or escape hurt feelings by cutting off to regulate their feelings.

Many feel criticised or judged when expressing feelings or fears, so they learn to hide vulnerable feelings to avoid getting hurt. As children, when they expressed vulnerable emotions it was unacceptable, where their feelings were shamed or criticised, so they find it hard to express their real self, having to adapt their behaviours to live up to the perceived expectations of others. They will often fuse with their partner’s expectations. They find it hard to express their own thoughts or show vulnerability, becoming disappointed when others do not understand them. To protect themselves from feeling hurt, they make the relationship not that important or discard their partner, rather than know how to communicate.  Instead of expressing hurt feelings, they cut off from others or have affairs to push down the pain.

Resolve relationship patterns that cause stuckness

Some people have left a marriage but continue to feel hurt and angry. Others find break ups are hard to get over and cannot move on. Psychotherapy allows them to explore their relationship patterns to better understand the part they play in the marriage. Counselling for relationship difficulties can assist them to work through stuck patterns and successfully negotiating themselves in their relationships.

Call Counselling in Melbourne on 0449 861 147  or  use the booking form, for counselling for Relationship difficulties.

All content is copyright 2017 Nancy Carbone