Unlock relationship patterns that cause stuckness with Melbourne's Relationship Counselling

Relationship counselling Melbourne helps individuals to unlock relationship patterns that keep them stuck while resolving the underlying issues that get in the way of building a healthy relationship.

We also offer couples counselling that helps in overcoming defensive interactions between the couple.

Do you notice the same relationship patterns?

Do you notice reoccurring patterns in your relationship? 

• You hold onto abusive relationships or
• You experience jealousy or mistrust controlling your relationships.
• You end up being alone.
• You fear commitment.
• You move onto new partners quickly.
• You fear getting hurt and sabotage relationships
• You lose yourself in relationships.
• You cut off relationships when the going gets tough.
• You avoid conflicts.

The more you push down your feelings, the more you enact the unwanted behavioural pattern.

You could become angry at your partner for forgetting to call, to escape the dreaded feeling of rejection or unworthiness.

If you become defensive to protect yourself from your feelings, you can be perceived as attacking or critical, so your feelings become dismissed in the relationship.

Relationship counselling in Melbourne dismantles relationship patterns

 We may think our partner causes us to feel in a particular way, but sometimes these feelings are deep within ourselves, which become stirred up in the relationship. It can cause us to blame our partner for how we feel, instead of addressing these feelings within ourselves, so the behavioural pattern keeps playing out.

Defensive relational patterns occur while protecting ourselves from our feelings or putting them onto our partners, who become affected by them. All of a sudden, the partner is projected to be the rejecting spouse and acts accordingly.

These feelings are so intolerable that you can lose grip of seeing yourself and your partner when defending against these feelings. Many do not see the impact of their behaviour and the destruction it causes by not sorting out these feelings.

John Gottman described criticism, blame, defensive reactions, and contempt as harsh ways of communicating that destroys relationships. These defensive patterns protect against underlying feelings, yet they create barriers to understanding each other.

Avoiding underlying feelings and resorting to defensive coping behaviour causes us to remain stuck in these patterns. 

Are you stuck in unwanted relationship patterns?

When we focus on changing our partner, we may want them to change to avoid how we feel about ourselves deep down. If you are constantly finding things wrong with your partner, then this could reflect how you feel about yourself.

Do you find yourself being critical of your partner, finding fault in them as if nothing they do is good enough? Then perhaps you do not feel good enough when they forget to call or come late, so you find fault in them.

Do you feel your partner is selfish or controlling and never considers you? Perhaps you are selfless and do not consider yourself, and put yourself last, so others do not make you the priority. When we are not in touch with our actual self, we hope to feel loved by having others to meet our needs, instead of meeting our own needs. When we put our own needs onto others and hope they meet them, we feel disappointed.

Relationships can elicit negative feelings about yourself, such as feeling not important, unworthy, or unwanted. So, perhaps, you avoid getting hurt by avoiding to express your needs but focus on pleasing them, in the hope that they can make you feel good about yourself. Instead, you end up feeling that you are not important when your relationship needs are not being met.

When you give yourself up in the hope of someone else making you feel good about yourself, this distracts you from being happy and sabotages your relationship.

When you protect yourself from feeling rejected or unwanted,  you can end up giving up yourself, negating your needs, or avoid being assertive in order to avoid feeling alone. 

You can lose yourself in your relationship when you avoid expressing yourself to keep others happy. In this way you avoid feelings of judgement, criticism, or rejection. More often than not, you are running away from how you feel within yourself.

In order to avoid feeling judged or rejected, you end up holding back yourself to avoid feeling this way. Its less risky to get gratification from making others happy, in the hope that they can make you feel good about yourself, rather than face these feelings within yourself.

By keeping others happy, you attempt to feel good about yourself when others approve of you. If you turn to others to feel better, then you will feel let down when others do not meet your needs. For many they end up feeling alone or blame their relationship when their needs are not met, instead of look within themselves for change.

The way we escape our feelings can sabotage the relationship. Without acknowledging how we feel, we can become passive-aggressive, vengeful, or be abusive in order to discharge the feelings.

In order to resolve relationship patterns it is necessary work through the underlying emotions. Once these emotions are addressed, the chances of the relationship pattern reoccurring are minimised.

Relationship Counseling allows individuals to manage unwanted emotions to prevent defensive patterns from getting in the way of having a healthy relationship.

If you constantly feel disappointed in love and want to find healthy ways to relate then contact us for more information.

Contact us today

Use the enquiry form or call 0449 861 147  to book an appointment. Sign up for our newsletter for free tips and advice on relationships.